Rational Advisor

And it came to pass that God visited the earth, and He did behold a series of billboard ads attributing to Him utterances of such banality that they would never pass His lips in a billion years. And it came to pass that God in His wrath considered a libel suit, but in the end opted simply to mount a cantankerous, self-contradictory ad campaign of His own. . . .

I never said, “Thou shalt not think.”
—God

Okay, you’ve got multiplying down. Now let’s try replenishing for a while.
—God

I don’t care who started it. Just stop it.
—God

You’d better have stopped fighting by the time I get back, or you’re all grounded.
—God

You’re not tracking those bloody footprints in here.
—God

E=mc². Yeah, that’s one of mine.
—God

You can have another kid when you learn to take care of the first one.
—God

Just look at this planet! Do you expect me to clean this up?
—God

Here’s a clue—if they say they’re doing it in my name, they’re lying.
—God

I gave you a bigger brain for a reason. Start using it.
—God

If you don’t clean this place up, you won’t get another millennium.
—God

All this will someday be your children’s.
—God

There is no such thing as killing in my name.
—God

Rational

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